On Praying for a Spouse: Do’s, Don’ts, and Everything In-between
On Valentine’s Day this year (2025), B’rit Network had a Book Review Dialogue (recording accessible here) during which we gleaned biblical wisdom from Chapel Library’s title “Preparing for Marriage: Biblical Guidance from the Puritans” by James LaBelle and Joel Beeke, PDF accessible here. It was a refreshing time of conversation and thought-sharing from Scripture on an issue so pertinent to young folks, especially in a day such as ours when there are so many voices on the subject, yet very little substance, biblically speaking. The need to continually renew our minds to avoid being forced into the world’s approach and way of thinking couldn’t be more pronounced.
It was also convicting to consider the cautions these godly men drew from Scripture concerning errors we are so prone to fall into. We talked about a number of things ranging from the role of physical attraction, the importance of compatibility and “agreeable” traits (as mentioned in the book), the kind of prayers to pray, and most importantly, becoming the ideal spouse yourself.
Regarding Prayer
When it comes to seeking a spouse, the authors noted how prone we are to embark on the search for a spouse relying on our wisdom, presuming that we know what is best for us and how to get it. But we learn from Scripture that a way that seems right to us may only lead to death (Proverbs 14:12), and so divine guidance is indispensable in this quest. It is of no little comfort that God strongly desires to lead us if we will be meek and receive His instruction.
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. (ESV)
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you. (ESV)Job 22:22 Receive instruction from his mouth, and lay up his words in your heart. (ESV)
This, we see, is where prayer comes in, for the search for a spouse is part of the “ways” we are told to commit to the Lord as a demonstration of our trust in Him, in order that He may “make it good” (Psalm 37:5). Certain questions come up immediately. Especially for those of us who may still be many years away from marriage, the idea of praying concerning a spouse is something we tend to put off until later, as though such considerations at the present reek of unseriousness and lack of focus on what matters — our faith walk, academics, etc. And so prayer is something we don’t usually take seriously to that regard; “When the time comes, I’ll begin to pray about it,” we say.
Worse still, those of us who overcome this reluctance often don’t know what or how to pray about this. True, we know, acknowledge, and believe that we should pray but are hard-pressed to find words to best convey prayers for a future partner, especially since we aren’t actively seeking one. Well, the authors highlight some areas we could pray around, and we may add one or two. These prayers apply to us all, whether or not we are in an active search for a spouse, and we would do well to note and apply them.
Wisdom and Understanding
First, ask that God would give you wisdom and understanding so that when you meet a prospective spouse, your heart might not be distracted either by beauty, riches, or natural endowments, and thereby neglect what should be your main concern, namely, grace in the heart.
Given that we do not know when we will meet a prospective spouse (even for those of us who have a timeframe in our minds, e.g., I won’t begin actively searching for a spouse until I leave university or until I clock 23), it is wise that while trusting in God’s providence, we pray for God to help our hearts from being attracted to (read, distracted by) the wrong things. Grace in the heart (palpable godliness, evidenced regeneration, fruit of the Spirit) ought to be our main concern, yet our fallen nature puts us continually at risk of getting our priorities wrong.
Beauty, riches, natural endowments, etc. are not bad in themselves (as we discussed in the dialogue), yet they are only secondary to godliness, the fruit of genuine conversion. We may add here
- the prayer for God to incline our hearts to the right things, for many of us are much more interested in these secondary things than the primary, and
- the prayer for God to teach us to see the primary and not be deceived by the counterfeit.
The second is very important because we live in an age where the metrics of godliness and spirituality are unbiblically defined and ill-informed. Folks who can perform “power moves” and “prayer stunts,” or speak in [capital letter] “tongues” are deemed to be on a higher spiritual pedestal than ordinary people who can’t or don’t. Even among those who strive to be biblical, we observe the tendency to regard the mere accumulation of theological facts in the head as evidence of genuine spirituality.
But we remember Christ’s damning words to “workers of lawlessness” who were acclaimed to have performed mighty works and done all sorts “in Christ’s name”: I never knew you (Matthew 7:21–23). And as good and foundational as knowledge is, of what use is the knowledge that doesn’t produce fruit of conversion, obedience, humility, and godliness? Is it not merely the kind that puffs up and can therefore not reliably indicate genuine spirituality?
We must therefore pray that God produces these fruits in us and helps us to identify them in others, that we may be not carried away by those things of far lesser consequence.
Affections
Second, ask the Lord not to knit your affections to someone whose affections are not already knit to Him and that your love may not be given to one whose love is not given to Him. Since we may be deceived by a fair appearance, we must ask the Lord that He search and try our hearts and not allow our affections to be led astray by a “painted fire.”
Given our faith in God’s providential control of all things, including our affections (Prov. 21:1), it is certainly not out of place to pray to God regarding them. In short, we can and should pray to God, not only that we are not attracted to the wrong things, but also that our hearts should not be drawn to the wrong person. We have an all-knowing and all-powerful Father who searches the heart and can deal with faulty affections in us, and so we should be confident enough to betake ourselves to Him in this regard.
This is also important because, as we noted during the dialogue, we have the tendency to gaslight ourselves into regarding an individual as suitable for us because we are already well-affectioned toward them, such that we become afraid and reluctant to probe further into their convictions and reputation before others. We can brush off whatever foundational concerns others may express about the individual’s character, and say as Samson said to his parents, “I will get him/her for myself, for s/he pleases me well and seems right in my eyes.”
Still on this issue of affections, the authors continue:
Third, if after your affections go out toward another you discover that the truth of grace is not in his or her heart, then you must earnestly beg of God for grace to withdraw your affections from that person, lest you sinfully keep your affections upon one who will draw you away from the Lord.
We see here that we should “beg of God… that He Who subdues all things to Himself would subdue your affections and bring them into subjection to His will, that they might be like the Captain’s servant, to go and come at His pleasure.” In case you find yourself helplessly attracted to someone whom you know to not be a suitable one, you can pray for God to help your heart.
Becoming the Ideal Spouse
As a lady, you must ask yourself honestly, “Can this man disciple me and my children? Has he shown something of the discipline and self-control required to lead a godly home? Or is he just a boy in a man’s body? What is his attitude to his work? How well does he submit to the authorities God has placed in his life — his boss, his pastor? Can I place my life in his hands, such that I will live by whatever decisions he takes? What sacrifices is he willing to take for those in his care, indicating how much he can follow Christ’s example of self-sacrificing love for His church?”
For example, a man who cannot exercise control over his own body or submit as necessary is a big red flag, and while you may want to “overlook” these, you should know the risk you’re taking by pursuing such a one as a spouse. Attraction or mere liking/fondness is not enough; you must think long-term.
As a man, you must ask yourself, “Can this lady raise my children? Can I entrust my home into her hands, knowing she will manage it as a God-fearing home maker? How well does she submit to the authorities in her life, especially her parents? Is she the kind to run her mouth toward others, such that she may destroy my future home with her own words (Proverbs 14:1)? Is she discreet and respectful?”
We’re not advocating seeking a perfect or flawless spouse as much as we are advocating having sufficiently high standards. Even if they fall short, do they know? Are they willing to improve? And how are they truly striving to improve? You cannot keep latching on to someone who negates all these just because they seem to be giving you the attention you didn’t get at home. We must maintain these standards. And it is in prayer that we betake ourselves to God to do with us as He pleases, conforming us to Christ in order that we attain these standards and become the ideal spouse ourselves.
In prayer, we take our flaws and failings to God and pray that He sanctifies us. And we hear from Him in His Word (Scripture) that cleanses us and sets us further on this path of becoming like Christ. It is through this that we, like Doug Wilson says, “become the person that the kind of person we want to marry would like to marry.”
What Not to Pray
Finally, certain kinds of prayer should be avoided, for various reasons, but especially because they have no biblical basis and display distrust or lack of faith in God, which is opposite to what we saw prayer as in the beginning of this discourse. Scripture nowhere recommends praying for God to give us the name of our spouse or specific details about them, whether in a vision, trance, dream, or the like. We are nowhere told to expect an audible voice or extra-biblical revelation concerning such things, since in His Word He has already given us all we need to know to live a life pleasing to Him (2 Peter 1:3).
While God may sovereignly decide to use any of these means, they are the exception rather than the norm and are altogether very rare and should be regarded as such. We are not the ones to instruct Him how best to lead us. Such prayers therefore either betray ignorance of the normative, providential way of God’s leading His people or reflect a lack of faith in God’s promises to lead His children through the ordinary circumstances of life. Besides, it is presumptuous and arrogant for us to require God to lead us through spectacular means, as though the non-spectacular is any less spiritual for a God whose providence absolutely governs the entire course of human history, directing it to its ultimate end of His exclusive glory (Eph. 1:11).
We must therefore shun sorcerous and divinatory tendencies to peep into the mind of God concerning future events which He has not placed into our jurisdiction to know (Deut. 29:29, Matt. 24:36). Rather, we must trust in His revealed will in Scripture, knowing that as we obey and follow it, we are surely being led to His ordained end for our lives (Rom. 8:28).
Final Words
Prayer is very vital in the quest for a spouse and in preparation for marriage, such that one can hardly comprehend any wisdom in putting off intentional prayer till when one begins an active search. We must not grow impatient/weary or come under pressure because we feel left out as everyone else seems to be in a relationship. We close with these words from the book, capping up all we have said on how we should pray:
Ask the Lord fervently for the blessing of a good marriage. Let the Lord see by your fervency and frequency at His throne that you are deeply concerned for a good marriage and seek to honor Him in it, and He will not deny you. Either God will hear you and answer you, or He will give you a reason for His denial, which will otherwise satisfy you. Only remember that a good spouse is a precious gift from the Lord; and that He is not accustomed to let His prized gifts go easily, but likes to be importunately entreated for them (Mat 15:22–28). In addition, add a vow to your prayers that if the Lord would be so gracious as to provide a wife for you of His choosing and giving, then you would choose her over a thousand who stood beside her from the world.